God's Footballer *

Made my return to five-a-side action tonight - and I played a belter. But first, hadn't played since the World Cup started cos there was no way I was going to miss any game of the tournament if I could help it. Two weeks ago, I missed playing for Tunisia v Saudi Arabia - that's how mentally obsessive I am about watching when I can.

Anyway, the three previous games I had played saw me sustain one or two injuries - two disgraceful fouls against me and one a complete accident while going for a 50-50 ball. The first of which saw me with what I first thought was a broken foot ( I would love to say metatarsal, but I would sound like a prat, wouldn't I?). I had the ball and was shielding against an opponent and so good was I doing this that he fell over while trying to kick the ball/me. The ball was so far away from him that he carried on trying to kick me while lying on the ground. I think I should get rid of the ball, which I did. As I did so, another opponent (huge bloke - easily the heaviest player on the pitch) decides to ran at me and take a huge swipe and kick me on the foot. So, at first I'm thinking I have to go to casualty but I limp on through the game. Massive bruising to foot appears almost instantly and Reidski gives the bloke a hug at the end of the game to say "no hard feelings" even though I'm thinking he is a filthy bastard (why do thoughts of Netherlands v Portugal spring to mind, I wonder?). Highlight of the match for me: two of their players corner me (this is indoors, btw) with one on each side, I backheel ball out between them and then knock it past their keeper.

Game two sees me taking the ball on the turn and flicking the ball past opponent (another huge guy - why don't I just let them take the ball off me?) which makes him decide to wrestle me to the ground with such great force that I think both my knees are broken. They are not, but they are so badly bruised that JJ nearly feints when she sees them five days later (I was wearing shorts, it was hot and sunny). Highlight of the game for me: ball comes rolling to me as I have my back to the goal. I flick it with my left, swivel and volley it straight into the net.

Game three sees me going in for 50-50 tackle with opponent. Our shins collide. I still have part of my shin missing. The bruise is still there two and a half weeks later (ask JJ, if you don't believe me). Highlight of the game for me: I score a shit load of goals.

Then there is a break as Reidski, very sadly maybe, watches lots of football on television.

So I make my return tonight and we have what looks like evenly matched teams. Wrong! Me and my team-mates are firing on all cylinders and absolutely thrash our opponents. And the highlight for me? I suffered nothing but blisters on my toes. Oh, and team-mates and players alike tell me that I scored some rather special goals. Two in particular spring to mind. First, there was the one-two which me and team-mate played the length of the field which ended with me putting the ball away. And the other was at the end of the match when I went round three or four of them before blasting past the keeper.

I'm quite chuffed that I can do this stuff. I hadn't played any football since before I left school - in fact, hadn't taken part in any football match of any kind for around 25 years - so to be able to do what I do on the pitch makes me very happy. Right, I don't take it too seriously, cos that would be very sad indeed. But I do enjoy it. And, considering the amount of alcohol I consume every week, it is quite an achievement. So much of an achievement that I paid a visit to the doctor recently and, on taking my blood pressure and pulse asked if I kept fit. He done a double take on the counts he was getting and a triple take on my age on the computer screen and said - "your blood pressure is perfect and, in fact, you have a sportsman's pulse". Not bad for a 41 year old who drinks far too much!

Sorry for the shameless plug I am giving to my ego with this one - should have talked about other stuff really.

* Billy Bragg