Mad About The Boy *

The boy can infuriate his mum and I at times (but not that often, it has to be said). He can also take the piss out of us big time (and he does quite often). The latter can be entertaining. And both can fuse together at times. For example, take his GCSE Maths exam. He took this a year early. He was taught up to Pass C level. On day of results coming out - you know, when it hits the news and you see all those stories and pics of kids going along to school to receive results - the boy declared that the school was shut (lying wee jobby). Next night, me and his mum take him out for a curry (he always orders vindaloo, by the way), and, after couple of questions about why he still didn't go and get his result, he declares: "In year 10, it's only the deeks who get the results! I'll get them when I got back to school."

Two weeks later, he returns to school. First day, he says: "Didn't have maths, so didn't get my result." "Fuck, why didn't you just walk along to the bloody corridor and ask, ya wee shitebag?," is what I wanted to ask, but didn't. Boy just laughs the whole thing off.

Skip forward to tonight and I have just about forgotten that he's even sat a GCSE. Walking past his house (yes, on way to mine from train, I pass the boy's house) and see his elbow hanging out the window, I shout out his name and he appears. "Did you get your result?" I ask. "Yes, he says, I got a D. But it is a high D, so it's nearly a C." "Yes," I respond, "but it's also nearly a E,." "Dad, it's a high D high," he says. "What?" I ask. His answer: "You're an idiot, man! I got a B!"

I have no idea what the boy was saying to me. But, all I know is that he got a B for a GCSE in maths, in a subject which he has only been taught up to C level, and he's taken the exam a year earlier than he should be taking it.

I've very proud of my boy. If only he didn't force me to go to the Download Festival this year, then everything would be perfect!

* Noel Coward (but covered by countless people such as Eartha Kitt, Julie London, Dinah Washington and all sorts of others)